A Dirty Little Secret

    Some of you are aware that I have filed for Disability several months ago. I have not bitched about this here as I figured no one really wants to hear all that stuff. We all have our crosses to bear and this is mine.  Suffice it to say it took a long time for me to actually admit to myself that I just couldn't work anymore.  Hard pill to swallow for someone like  myself.  I have worked since I was 14. Heck I actually like working.  I have been in customer service forever because I just like people. Even the butts!  I can and do have a good time trying to make someone laugh or get a response from them every chance I get.  To have to admit that I was giving up was  and still is hard to admit.  Much less to admit it here for the world to see.

     I had to quit working about six months ago because it just got to be too much to handle.  The pain from the scoliosis (curvature of the spine) has just become to much to be able to bear for an entire work shift. I can't sit or stand for more than a short amount of time in either position.  The nerve damage has progressed to a point that working just isn't an option anymore. My feet and legs have become almost numb from the nerve damage.  Not numb like I can't feel them... but like all I can feel is pain.I worked until I could not pull even a half a shift anymore without crying. If that were the only problem I guess I could see them trying to drag their feet on this.

    But it was the diagnosis back in '06 that I have been ignoring.  And I have done it well even if I have to say so myself.   I didn't even allow myself to think about it.   As long as I could focus on the back pain and the things related to it , well then I didn't have to acknowledge the rest of it right?  And so I didn't.  If you don't say it out loud then it doesn't count right?  And I still find myself struggling with actually saying it.  So I have been trying to figure out a way to try and relay this without having to say the C word.

    I have thought long and hard about actually sharing this with you guys. I wasn't going to.  But I was talking to my mom yesterday and she said something that struck me hard.  She said she could tell just by reading this stupid blog that I was  being dishonest (and she knows whats up) not only to myself  but with the people who have taken the time to follow my life and thoughts for the last couple of years.  I have always tried to be pretty honest here.  Not about my "particulars" really but my thoughts and who I am as a person.  Why should I be a hypocrite to myself or to you now?

     Social Security has a few conditions that are considered to be automatically considered for what they call Compassionate Allowance.  I have one of those.  What it means is that one of those diagnoses is supposed to put you on the fast track to an ok for disability. The application process has been ridiculous. Not to mention the six months it has taken so far to find an answer.  It has gone just as most people say it goes.  Total disorganization.  They have lost files and paperwork relevant to my case.  And have chosen to disregard important information and tried to BS me along the entire way.
  As I was diagnosed 4 years ago, the current thought is that my records are to "old" to consider. Hey I worked as long as I possible could.  Isn't that what is expected of us?
    The funny thing is that even though those blood tests are 4 years old they aren't going to change.  Heck I wish they would. But it ain't gonna happen.  So they set me up for a new  blood test.  Ok no problem I figure.  I was scheduled t o go last week.  My case worker canceled the blood test and was going to go with the old records (which apparently aren't any good now) and I threw a major fit.  I called my Congressman!  Did you know you can do that?  Well ya can!  He will be following my case from today forward.  Nothing like a politician to freak out a different government office during an election year.  We shall see...
     I hope this doesn't put you off and I promise there won't be anymore said about the whole thing. I just don't want to feel like I have been dishonest anymore.  So don't worry about this becoming a gloom and doom blog.  That's just not who I am or what I am about. Life is to be lived with gusto and with a love of the world around us.  I want to savor every minute that I am given here and hope all of you will do the same.   I just figured I would get it out of the way now so I don't have to do it later on.

  And so there you have it... My dirty little secret.

I still am going to have a place of my own out in the middle of nowhere with rabbits and chickens and a big garden and you can't make me believe any different!